hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
