Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
