oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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