Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
