Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Randomize
