You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
