first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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