i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
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