Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Randomize
