I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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