Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
