remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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