Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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