I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
