Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
