If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
