Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
We have started to decorate penises.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
