I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
