I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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