i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
