why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
