I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
