Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Randomize
