I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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