ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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