Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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