I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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