if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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