You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
