In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
