yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
