I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
