i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
