Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
