i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
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