Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
