help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
