On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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