dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
