He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
