I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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