My friends, they love my intelligence
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
