You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Randomize
