WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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