you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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