Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I'm getting married
To pizza
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
