You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
