I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
