You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Randomize
