do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
