apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
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