im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
