Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
