Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
